You don’t have to do everything together as a travel couple
While Gordon and I do tend to like the same things when travelling, that is not always the case. Nor should it be. On paper we are quite dissimilar in nature and interests, yet in reality we do enjoy similar things and enjoying sharing them together. But not everything. I have no issue if Gordon wants to go and do something that I have little interest in and vice versa.
Gordon wanted to get his Padi diving licence but I didn’t. So he went off and did an intensive 5 day course in Vanuatu. I wandered around the island, visited the markets and generally explored other things on my own. As the island of Effate is small, I was able to wander back to watch him go through different training exercises and went out on the boats with him for his virgin dive to cheer him on. After that he would go one way for another dive and I would do my own exploring. He doesn’t worry too much about me and that is not said in a bad way. He just knows that I am capable. I do worry about him but that is because I am much nicer.
If he wants to take on some backwoods black runs and I want to cruise around some intermediate runs, then so be it. We decide which café on the slopes we will meet and a time and then we do. We tend to have a bit of a meeting if the place is new to us, so that I know that he knows where to go and he knows that I know where to go. If I choose not to go out for a day on the slopes he knows he will inevitably find me back at the lodge or hotel or whatever, if he doesn’t find me in the village which is generally the case wherever we are. He does tend to check in by phone if it has been a while.
If I want to do a cooking course in Chiang Mai and he doesn’t then he goes and does what he wants (I know he heads straight for a foot massage …) and then we meet up later.
I also have a tendency to wander off. I am constantly getting in trouble for this but Gordon is getting used to this, knowing that I will turn up.
The key to travelling as a couple is to not always be in one another’s pockets. Some times some breathing space is essential.
Some guides to separating:
– have the confidence to know that you are quite capable of finding your own way around.
– do sensible things like writing the address of your lodgings on a piece of paper, because if you get lost, and it happens, then you can always get a taxi or some form of transport back. I have gotten myself lost a few times and then the sweating started and the panic started to rise. I always think my Mum is going to kill me and totally annihilate Gordon for losing her precious daughter.
– where possible and this is not always possible, have some type of communication like an active phone line.
– Just think before you get into cars with strangers; its a good story
– organize a meet up place
The other big advantage is when you do meet up again; you each have new experiences to share with one another. I might have seen something amazing or met someone incredible and I want Gordon to come and see or meet, as the case may be. He may also find something that he wants me to experience and I may or may not say yes or no.
We love one another’s company and we do enjoy viewing things differently and discussing our interpretations. We also enjoy pursuing our own interests and then sharing this after.
So do not think that you have to do everything together as a travel couple. It is both healthy and beneficial to your relationship to be independent.
Going separate ways is something we never do. We travel as best friends and actually enjoy each others’ company. We have a lot in common and want to do things together. In our 6 weeks in Europe November-January we spent all of 3-4 hours apart. We each have a role in our travel, I make the wishlist, he plans how to get from A to B, I get lost, he finds me, I pack the heavy case, he carries it. It’s worked for us so far!
Gordon and I are pretty much the same, unless it comes to extreme slopes on the ski fields. We do like one another’s company, despite getting divorced every other day 🙂
I think I would go one further and say even taking some trips independently can be great for the relationship!
Far better to get on and do it than begrudge the other person for not wanting to do the same as you to the point you miss out – a lose:lose in my book 😉
I agree Linda. it could go either way; you could begrudge or feel guilty. It doesn’t hurt to have different interests.
Going separate ways is a good thing sometimes. My partner and I don’t shop together, but will meet up somewhere for lunch or drinks. A marriage saver!
I agree it is a marriage saver on travels
This is such a good post and it highlights the fact that we can still have togetherness but not be together. Although we try to do things we both enjoy doing, we are also like you and see the benefit in going separate ways for some things – but cheering each other on whenever possible 🙂
Definitely Jo. We do like one another’s company a lot, but there are things that Gordon wants to do and I don’t and vice versa. Skiing is a big case in point where Gordon’s level is way above mine. I am happy for him to go off and leave me on the intermediate runs, and he does know I will be fine.
So agree! Sometimes when we are travelling together for a long trip, I just need to go out and walk alone – my pace, my stops and just enjoy the view. Will set a time limit (and watch the clock) so David does not worry about me being off wandering. Similarly, he often will slip out quietly early in the morning for photographs of the sunrise and the early morning quiet spots. Lets me laze a little before we are off and about. Linda
So so true. Sometimes you just need that little bit of space.
Couldn’t agree more – I always make my excuses when my wife wants to shop and thankfully our daughter is now of an age where she enjoys it too. My wife has company and I get to escape…after a while it was clear to both of us that having me around trying and failing to hide my lack of interest makes it worse for her. It’s great to have different interests and important to support your partner to pursue theirs too.
Isn’t it funny; I would probably have to go with you because I detest shopping 🙂
This sounds like a suitable time for me to confess that on our honeymoon, I took an hour out to go and play football with the lodge staff in the middle of the Serengeti. Funnily enough, my wife didn’t join me! 🙂
LOL, I see no issue with this. Did your wife? Did you win the footy match?
Good tips Paula – we are great at going our own way at weekends when he wants to do some dangerous cycling or crazy sailing, but on holiday apart from me sleeping for longer we tend to do everything together! A good reminder – and I think we all see more when we are on our own, whenever I travel with work alone I survive and enjoy it, so perhaps I should have me-time on a holiday too! Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks Anna, while I really enjoy Gordon’s company and mostly enjoy being with him, sometimes we both need the space ..him probably more than me.
Great advice here. Most of the travel I do is tagging along on my husband’s business trips. I usually end up with a lot of time on my own. If I don’t venture out on my own, all I’ll experience is the inside of a hotel room or long term rental.
The fear of getting lost is a big one for me too, although I think I got over the worst of it on a solo trip to Tokyo. I know, pretty intense place for a first try at solo travel! The thing is I did get lost a couple of times, but then I tried reframing it as not lost but just taking longer to get back to my hotel room. I got to see more things than I intended to — sometimes twice because I went around in a circle. 🙂
I completely agree with this! My husband isn’t so into museums etc and I’m not so into hiking but it’s always been the worry about getting lost that makes me apprehensive – you’re right though, I should just have a bit more confidence that I’ll find my way back!!
I think that as long as you have a meeting point and do it little by little, each will feel more comfortable.
Great reminder! I’m thinking I might have to exercise this on our future trips. Might help avoid getting into a squabble while on the road. 🙂
LOL, don’t worry I can still squabble regardless. Thing is Gordon doesn’t.
Amen to this Paula 😉 Me and my fiancee do this quite a bit; keeps us sane, and chilled. Last year she did ayahuasca in the Amazon while I did Lima and Cusco. On a side note, we’re doing Savusavu soon….excited! And Chiang Mai is just about our fave spot 😉 Great blog!
We love Chiang Mai too, I can’t wait to go back and have some lychees and a massage as well as everything else. Thanks for comment