There are many reasons Why National Geographic Magazine will never ask me to write for them.

This is not Gerald Durrell’s My family and other animals because I do not have a good track record with animals. I do not like most of them for a reason, and I can say that this seems to be a reciprocal arrangement. Before any of the animal activists, animal lovers, and others get on their high horse about this, and I am aware of the pun, let me explain why, and you can tell me what you think. These are all true experiences, which have cumulatively informed my feelings.

One would think that coming from Australia where we have a lot of unfriendly critters that I would be a little more toughened to the situations. I mean spiders in the house do not phase me, nor the skinks that wander around the place. I call the line at snakes in the yard and tend to give sharks and sting rays a wide berth. It would appear that in the main, it is animals from other cultures that just do not get me. I try to bridge cross-cultural relations, but it is not working.

Wasps and Sri Lanka

While travelling in Sri Lanka, we decided to visit Sigiriya, an old capital of ancient Ceylon. The king had built his palace on the top of this rock for protection. It is a very, very big rock so he must have been worried. I am petrified of heights and was neurotic before we started, so this was never going to be a good look. We climbed, and I cried and maybe swore a little until we got nearly to the top. The final section required ascending these iron steps up into the clouds. That was it. I was out. So I said I would wait on this plateau. The guide told me where to sit, but I was hot and hysterical, so I ignored him and sat in the shade where they had told me not to.

That is when a swarm of wasps attacked me and chased me around and around while the Sri Lankan guides and other tourists laughed hysterically. They didn’t help me by killing the wasps because being Buddhist it is against their beliefs to harm a living creature.

[clickToTweet tweet=”I am not Buddhist, and I didn’t kill any, but I thought about it. So, I don’t like wasps. #travel #NatGeo” quote=”I am not Buddhist, and I didn’t kill any, but I thought about it. So, I don’t like wasps.” theme=”style3″]

Snakes and Bali

I do not like snakes walking across my foot while I am visiting a temple in Bali as it disrupts my meditative processes. Not to mention that scares the living daylights out of me.

So snakes – we do not like one another.

Elephants and Bangkok

I do not liking walking into something really big only to discover it is an elephant in a dark alley in Bangkok, as I look up from the street to see what has knocked me to the ground. I did not see it as I was just chatting and bang. Gordon thought it was hilarious and still does.

You might like to read 10 Do’s and Don’ts in Bangkok and try and avoid elephants on main streets.

Dogs in Japan

I don’t like psycho little dogs in Kyoto who speak Japanese, and I do not – therefore they have the advantage unless they are bi-lingual. One killer dog in our ryokan in Kyoto, barked at me and went ballistic every time he saw me, and then would run over to Gordon for a pat. He might have been small and apparently cute, but he was seriously on a mission to get me.  I tried to make friends, but it was never going to happen. Ditto the dogs in Bali.

Monkeys and Malaysia

I have issues with monkeys. Some ransacked our room in Malaysia and proceeded to play break-and-enter for the rest of the trip. Despite locking doors and windows, they showed the shrewdness and guile of professional thieves in gaining access and stealing everything, not to mention defecating all over our bed and luggage on numerous occasions. Every time we left the room, they would be sitting there watching and giving the eye as if, it doesn’t matter how many locks you have put on doors or cupboards because we are coming in. And they did. To the monkeys in Ubud, Bali – give me back my sunglasses, fair is fair.

Blue Tongue Lizards and Australia

I don’t know whether this is all karma – because I do not have a great track record with animals, as you can see. My son had a pet blue tongue lizard, named “Bluey” – yes very original, but he had trained it as an inside pet. Bluey was devoted to him, slept with him, and generally followed him around. My son used to take him outside for a play.

I had put snail bait down to protect some flowers. My son was calling for Bluey who unusually did not come, which meant that it was an all out search. I found him first, in the flowerbed with his blue tongue rigid and sticking out. I had killed Bluey. So, I may have bought this on myself, but every time I see a blue tongue, well …..

Sea Snakes and Vanuatu

I was sailing a catamaran in Vanuatu with Gordon, when I had to relieve myself. We were a long way from the shore, so I decided that I would just go over the side. That is when a water snake appeared and held its head up high about to strike. I was faster luckily. So I don’t like water snakes.

Leeches and Sri Lanka again

Now this is extremely serious and totally true. I again needed to relieve myself when we were trekking in a jungle, and so I did. A little while later, I felt something ‘down there’ and yes – there were leeches, note the plural. Of course, I carried on considerably, until my husband had removed ‘all of them’. So, I really, really hate leeches!

My closing statement, and in my defence

I think I have a distinct point about my relationship with animals on my travels to date. I am absolutely sure that I am not going to get an internship with National Geographic or any wildlife magazine for fairly obvious reasons. I do not think, however, that any of these are my fault.

I certainly hope that you are all on my side.